Sometimes when I look around at my life, I think...man, I should be feeling so blessed and sometimes I do muster up some gratitude but then I look down at the sight that is my body, and the negative balance in my bank account and the number of years that I have lived with this depression and think....fuck you GOD!
You are the douche bag that gave me no motivation to change any of this...you give me just enough energy to get out of bed in the morning to take a crap and then go back to bed and worry about how I have no more energy to do the things that need to get done as tension and apprehension flood my every cell.
Thanks God! Good thing I don't actually believe in you.. very often... or you and me would have it out man-o et woman-o for some head to head Trish vs God ultimate fighting championship
i know you are supposed to be all omnipotent and shit and I know I couldn't possibly win, but i would still give you a show down biatch, a run for your money....cause fuck you that's why
You don't exist yet I still blame you...cause I can't even be bothered to try to muster up the courage to blame myself for my lack of energy and enthusiasm....people always say that if they could do it all over again, with the knowledge they have now, they would...i say fuck that shit...after almost 32 years of this shit...i have seen and heard enough...now give me some fucking energy to finish living this life I am supposed to live and let me find a basket full of child-like wonder and enthusiasm at the end of some fucking rainbow and we will call it a truce ok?
The fact that I just wrote this letter to you, shows how badly I have failed as an atheist...guess everyone needs someone to blame for their short comings...and you are the only one left to blame...sucks to be you...and it sucks to be me, except when it doesn't and then it's not so bad
What was the point of this letter again?
Patricia
Showing posts with label depressing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depressing. Show all posts
Monday, July 19, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
I Am All Grown Up, Now What?
I seem to be having an existential crisis today. Questions keep popping up into my brain. Questions like, who am I? Where do I want to be in 5 years from now? What do I want to be when I grow up?
Ah, but I am all grown up and here in lies the problem.
I am 31 and I still don’t know what it is that I want. How can this be? When I was finishing high school, I envied those who knew what they wanted to study next, cause I sure as hell didn’t know what I wanted to be…I thought it was just a phase, I told myself to just get to work and the mystery will unveil itself.
I took lots of jobs and did the bare minimum really, just enough to make ends meet, sometimes, if I felt inspired, maybe a little more than the bare minimum. I figured it was a by-product of being in my 20’s. I went to school for various things, I had lots of ideas and plans that I followed through on till I got bored and realized that it wasn’t for me.
Fuck, I really squandered my 20’s away. Until that last year 29 when I gave it my all and got my business off the ground, worked like a dog and actually made it work somehow…only to realize that it was again not what I wanted, I felt like I was exchanging one mask for another yet again. I didn’t want to be married to anyone let alone a fucking job!
I ran away to Thailand, convinced I needed more education in my field of business….but upon completion of the gruelling regimented 6 months of training, instead of opening up the school and going about the plans I had put into place, I put the brakes on again and did even less than the bare minimum to get by. Sleeping most of the day away, lost in a zombified version of myself…while pretending to live and going through the motions of eating and loving and really, working as little as possible and stilll complaining about it.
At 31, I am officially retired for a year and a half…which means, although I have a little money (enough to take this time off) at the end of this time, I will be penniless, jobless, carless, homeless, nothing but a few boxes of stored things and the luggage I bring back to Canada with me…I will have nothing! Weird, only 5 years ago, I had everything….and I felt the same as I do now…only with more stuff…I attributed the shitty feelings to having too much stuff and it was tying me down and ruining my life.
What is life? WHo am I, really?
I want to say that I should be grateful for the life I have been given and that I should show my gratitude by doing something fabulous with it but on the flip side, what’s the point? I mean, if I smoke or don’t smoke, if I am skinny or fat, if I win a fucking Oscar or I am a bum on the street, in the long run, it doesn’t matter!
Everything is Arbitrary! But living in this type of manner is really fucked up…cause it’s neither here nor there, not this or that…it’s an ambiguous mind fuck that leaves one with the feeling that one is endlessly chasing it’s own tail. Leaving one exhausted and gasping for breath …with that all consuming question still lingering on the lips …what’s the point?
I used to walk through grave yards when I felt down…I would read the tombstones and cry over flowers that had been left, the notes people left to their loved ones, the saying ‘gone but not forgotten’ touches me so, dead flowers on top of living grass that hides the dead people buried below was some morbid type of poetry that somehow infused me with life, with feeling, with real emotion.
the park bench that is dedicated to a dead married couple that lived and breathed love…it’s a nice notion to read the inscriptions, it’s wonderfully romantic even…cause once you die, no one would put a tombstone that says here lies a dead beat mother who beat me all time…no they would say here lies a wonderful mother and we will miss her so …even in death, no one speaks the truth.
I went to a funeral once, for a man I never met but heard about. He was an asshole who abandoned his children, stole from everyone he knew and was a mean alcoholic who died at the age of 50 from alcohol poisoning. Even though I never met him, I cried so much, because there wasn’t much to say about this guy, the service was super short i mean what can you say about a homeless alcoholic without embellishing too much? I thought of the life he could of lead and where did he go wrong and how sad that he died with nothing…but then, you always die with nothing even if you have made something of yourself and you have everything, it’s still nothing. So, he could be me, maybe he realized this too and that’s why he gave up because of the pointlessness of it all, why bother to try and be good and be straight and sober? Who fucking cares? I totally get it!
Yet all of it makes me sad cause these people who were mothers fathers dr’s heros lovers, friends, junkies, assholes, con artists, no matter what kind of life they lead, it ended …so when people talk to me about long term goals I think fuck, why are we thinking about 10 years from now, how about the reality of 100 years from now when none of this shit matters, none of it! The majority of us won’t even be remembered in 100 years from now save for an inscription on a slab of rock where our corpses rot and become fodder for the bugs.
Sometimes, flashes of inspiration lifts me out of this deep inertia that I float in constantly. Like earlier when I got inspired to revamp my diet and exercise regime (which is pretty grim these days) because maybe getting a svelt body and eating organic healthy food, will make life more liveable? Or how a few days ago, I actually put up an online dating profile so I could take charge and find the love that I so deeply crave and therefore be fulfilled and live happily ever after. Or the compulsion I felt a couple of hours ago to really give it a go and follow my dreams no matter what because then I will have meaning and meaning will make me want to live a better life right? It has to make me happy right?
No! NO! and NO! This is not true…memories of getting my body skinny and fit to where I was proud of it, flash through my mind but I still felt the same as I do now. Yes, I have lived exclusively on a vegetarian organic diet but that just gave me more energy with which to plunge deeper into these types of thinking…I have been loved and loved another but still that hollowed out feeling remained, like there was something missing, something that I was incapable of grasping, of finding , of obtaining…a hole of insatiable hunger as if my very soul were the tapeworm itself eating through the love, the joy, the sustenance that life provides me.
I have followed my dreams and fulfilled them but they didn’t fulfill me back.
I have scoured the earth and have come back with nothing but shards of glass embedded in my body, reminders of the pain that fulfilling something that brings no fulfillment brings. An empty hole, a vacuum, I seek, I pray, I breathe, I keep living with the hopes that something will satisfy, that everything will stop cutting me and something will start healing me.
I don’t even know what I am writing right now, I don’t really have a point or anything to say, just the compulsion to keep my fingers moving, to put words onto the page. Secretly I think that one of these days I will reveal to myself, through stream of consciousness writing, the true secret to the point of my life, to the point of your life…
Hmmm, doesn’t look like that secret is going to reveal itself today…
Patricia
Ah, but I am all grown up and here in lies the problem.
I am 31 and I still don’t know what it is that I want. How can this be? When I was finishing high school, I envied those who knew what they wanted to study next, cause I sure as hell didn’t know what I wanted to be…I thought it was just a phase, I told myself to just get to work and the mystery will unveil itself.
I took lots of jobs and did the bare minimum really, just enough to make ends meet, sometimes, if I felt inspired, maybe a little more than the bare minimum. I figured it was a by-product of being in my 20’s. I went to school for various things, I had lots of ideas and plans that I followed through on till I got bored and realized that it wasn’t for me.
Fuck, I really squandered my 20’s away. Until that last year 29 when I gave it my all and got my business off the ground, worked like a dog and actually made it work somehow…only to realize that it was again not what I wanted, I felt like I was exchanging one mask for another yet again. I didn’t want to be married to anyone let alone a fucking job!
I ran away to Thailand, convinced I needed more education in my field of business….but upon completion of the gruelling regimented 6 months of training, instead of opening up the school and going about the plans I had put into place, I put the brakes on again and did even less than the bare minimum to get by. Sleeping most of the day away, lost in a zombified version of myself…while pretending to live and going through the motions of eating and loving and really, working as little as possible and stilll complaining about it.
At 31, I am officially retired for a year and a half…which means, although I have a little money (enough to take this time off) at the end of this time, I will be penniless, jobless, carless, homeless, nothing but a few boxes of stored things and the luggage I bring back to Canada with me…I will have nothing! Weird, only 5 years ago, I had everything….and I felt the same as I do now…only with more stuff…I attributed the shitty feelings to having too much stuff and it was tying me down and ruining my life.
What is life? WHo am I, really?
I want to say that I should be grateful for the life I have been given and that I should show my gratitude by doing something fabulous with it but on the flip side, what’s the point? I mean, if I smoke or don’t smoke, if I am skinny or fat, if I win a fucking Oscar or I am a bum on the street, in the long run, it doesn’t matter!
Everything is Arbitrary! But living in this type of manner is really fucked up…cause it’s neither here nor there, not this or that…it’s an ambiguous mind fuck that leaves one with the feeling that one is endlessly chasing it’s own tail. Leaving one exhausted and gasping for breath …with that all consuming question still lingering on the lips …what’s the point?
I used to walk through grave yards when I felt down…I would read the tombstones and cry over flowers that had been left, the notes people left to their loved ones, the saying ‘gone but not forgotten’ touches me so, dead flowers on top of living grass that hides the dead people buried below was some morbid type of poetry that somehow infused me with life, with feeling, with real emotion.
the park bench that is dedicated to a dead married couple that lived and breathed love…it’s a nice notion to read the inscriptions, it’s wonderfully romantic even…cause once you die, no one would put a tombstone that says here lies a dead beat mother who beat me all time…no they would say here lies a wonderful mother and we will miss her so …even in death, no one speaks the truth.
I went to a funeral once, for a man I never met but heard about. He was an asshole who abandoned his children, stole from everyone he knew and was a mean alcoholic who died at the age of 50 from alcohol poisoning. Even though I never met him, I cried so much, because there wasn’t much to say about this guy, the service was super short i mean what can you say about a homeless alcoholic without embellishing too much? I thought of the life he could of lead and where did he go wrong and how sad that he died with nothing…but then, you always die with nothing even if you have made something of yourself and you have everything, it’s still nothing. So, he could be me, maybe he realized this too and that’s why he gave up because of the pointlessness of it all, why bother to try and be good and be straight and sober? Who fucking cares? I totally get it!
Yet all of it makes me sad cause these people who were mothers fathers dr’s heros lovers, friends, junkies, assholes, con artists, no matter what kind of life they lead, it ended …so when people talk to me about long term goals I think fuck, why are we thinking about 10 years from now, how about the reality of 100 years from now when none of this shit matters, none of it! The majority of us won’t even be remembered in 100 years from now save for an inscription on a slab of rock where our corpses rot and become fodder for the bugs.
Sometimes, flashes of inspiration lifts me out of this deep inertia that I float in constantly. Like earlier when I got inspired to revamp my diet and exercise regime (which is pretty grim these days) because maybe getting a svelt body and eating organic healthy food, will make life more liveable? Or how a few days ago, I actually put up an online dating profile so I could take charge and find the love that I so deeply crave and therefore be fulfilled and live happily ever after. Or the compulsion I felt a couple of hours ago to really give it a go and follow my dreams no matter what because then I will have meaning and meaning will make me want to live a better life right? It has to make me happy right?
No! NO! and NO! This is not true…memories of getting my body skinny and fit to where I was proud of it, flash through my mind but I still felt the same as I do now. Yes, I have lived exclusively on a vegetarian organic diet but that just gave me more energy with which to plunge deeper into these types of thinking…I have been loved and loved another but still that hollowed out feeling remained, like there was something missing, something that I was incapable of grasping, of finding , of obtaining…a hole of insatiable hunger as if my very soul were the tapeworm itself eating through the love, the joy, the sustenance that life provides me.
I have followed my dreams and fulfilled them but they didn’t fulfill me back.
I have scoured the earth and have come back with nothing but shards of glass embedded in my body, reminders of the pain that fulfilling something that brings no fulfillment brings. An empty hole, a vacuum, I seek, I pray, I breathe, I keep living with the hopes that something will satisfy, that everything will stop cutting me and something will start healing me.
I don’t even know what I am writing right now, I don’t really have a point or anything to say, just the compulsion to keep my fingers moving, to put words onto the page. Secretly I think that one of these days I will reveal to myself, through stream of consciousness writing, the true secret to the point of my life, to the point of your life…
Hmmm, doesn’t look like that secret is going to reveal itself today…
Patricia
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
What's the point?
I needed a blog to get away from my blog. You know, the other blog is fine, it's funny and all and I like to be funny but that's not the norm for me.
so, I created this page to vent and scribble about anything...there's no theme, there's no reason, it's not to make me or you laugh or cry i am not trying to do anything with it...it just is what it is.
So that's my intention for this page...stream of consciousness writing. hopefully no one reads it, i am not going to network it or advertise it just write on it and if you stumble upon it...God help you... cause spelling will be off, punctuation will be shit..it will probably be just one long run on sentence about absolutely fucking nothing... my brain thinks in one long run on sentence so why not write in that manner too?
All right so what the fuck am I doing with my god damn life? I am sitting in a bungalow in Thailand lamenting about the fact that I hate living cause what's the point of anything anyways?
Truly, I have what most would think a great life; I have barely worked in the last few years, money comes to me pretty easily, I have decided to take a year and a half off to live here in Thailand and follow my dreams of writing a novel, i don't have any kids, i have never been married, i have no debt to worry about, i don't even have family that cares about me to keep in contact with me or try to fuck with my life...i don't have any baggage, I am free to be myself, to find my truth and speak it...I don't have to do anything if that's what i choose to do...i have no responsibilities, no job to answer to, NO ONE , NOTHING...
to me this is the ideal life, the perfect life...I 'should' be happy, I should be grateful but I am not! I fucking hate living, I fucking hate life and even going to the bathroom is a chore for me....I think no matter how great life is ...it still fucking sucks dirty ass!
I am good at everything but choose to do nothing cause i am a lazy, inconsistent biatch who gives up easily cause i am always reminded about the fact that i am gonna die and so are you and everything ends and nothing matters so why even bother? why even try?
That's the story of my life...i have felt like that since i was a little girl...and it is debilitating for sure! i remember feeling this as young as 5 years old!
I have tried everything to feel 'better', drugs, sex, booze, binge eating, binge fucking, being in love, supporting a cause, becoming a vegetarian, smoking, quitting smoking, natural remedies, unnatural remedies (like urine therapy what the fuck was i thinking), yoga, meditation, being kind, being a bitch, emaciating the ego, inflating the ego...i have tried to buy happiness and serenity, bargain with it, coherce it...nothing fucking works...it's as if my default programming is set to; 'i hate everything and nothing matters'...so even if i try and am excited, eventually the default programming comes along and kicks my fucking ass back into this bullshit way of thinking.
Sometimes, actually most times, I think that what I feel is real and everyone else is putting on a show to pretend that life is peachy keen and i fucking hate them.
I see through their facade and i wonder how they can live with themselves in their little bubble of pretentiousness and then i wonder how in the fuck i am still a part of this goddamn world and why do i continue to play this stupid fucking game! it's no wonder i have turned into an agoraphobic shut in...i can't stand to even talk to real people.
The other day i was getting my hair cut by a friend and that should be a normal thing to do ...there is no reason to feel anxiety and yet all of a sudden my friend was talking about something and i realized, i didn't give a shit about what she was saying and i wished for her to stop and it hit me square in the jaw...why am i pretending to care? how long before she is finished with the fucking haircut already? shut up! shut up! shut up! I screamed in my head until i couldn't even hear her anymore.
I started to sweat, my throat went dry, everything felt like it became two sizes too big and i became three sizes too small, my heart was racing, i couldn't think, fuck how much longer, i am trapped! only half my hair is done, can't i just run away, tell her a lie, say i am sick, i don't want to be here anymore, i will feel better once i get home.
I have to listen to her go on and on and what if it never ends? i can't escape, oh fuck help me! i stopped her mid sentence cause i felt like all my fucking cells were having some sort of aneurism all at the same time...as i politely asked for a glass of water but what actually was screaming through my head was ...what is wrong with me? Why do I always feel like this around people?
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE and go home now....it's like my brain is the House from the Amityville Horror movie...shes a really nice girl and i do enjoy her company...yet i get like this around every single person i know or talk to for any length of time.
It's a hyperawareness that sets me to spin out of control for reasons i am not sure of. And even if i did know, i don't think that would help.
i can't be in a relationship because of this shit that runs around in my head..i can't maintain or sustain friendships that are really wonderful because of this crazy shit that i can't stand to hear in my head.
i have always had these issues but they became amplified when i was 16 and i took some bad acid and for almost a year i wasn't the same...actually, come to think of it, maybe i never have been the same....at 16 years old, i could spend weeks in bed without ever wanting to leave it...in fact i did spend two weeks in bed and almost every weekend pretending to be seriously sick just so i wouldn't have to leave the house...i had flash backs for well over a year and couldn't stand certain lighting or enclosed spaces...i couldn't even go out to dinner or a movie with anyone cause being in a public place made me feel trapped and very much like a fucking rabbit needing to flee at the first sign of danger and for some reason, everything was perceived as dangerous to me...even 'fun' things.
i remember one incident in particular; i was with a friend at red lobster everything was going fine we were laughing and joking and there were no weird lulls in the conversation...i loved this woman she was like how i wished my mother really was; caring, loving, compassionate, smart, beautiful, and most importantly, she loved me.....
so in the middle of all this fun we are having, all of a sudden it's like a static happens and i can't hear her anymore... all i hear is every single noise around me all at once, yet i can't make anything out...everything is fragmented like listening to stravinsky's music without knowing the theory behind it...it's annoying and doesn't make any sense.
i hear the sound of the conversation at the table next to us, it's intensified like someone turned the volume of the room up to beyond the max capacity...complete distortion!
everyone is talking about useless shit all at the same time like bees buzzing, a drone that is driving me crazy...the noise pollution is unbearable!
i can hear the fucking annoying goddamn baby crying in the back ground, the lobsters scratching at the glass wishing to be free, the waiters complaining about the shitty tippers, the woman in the bathroom taking a shit, the man in the bathroom doing lines, the man in the stall next to him stroking his dick, the four fat bitches AT the other end of the restaurant gossiping about celebrities they have never met nor will ever meet, i can hear the cooks chopping and singing, the rat traps trapping, the mice scurrying, the cockroaches mating, the crickets outside of the restaurant happily chirping away, the cars passing on the street, i even hear the hum of the electricity that lights the entire place! I am aware of all of it all at the same time!
And then, just as i think my ear drums will explode from the tremendousness of it all.
SILENCE.
Silent mouths moving, silent plates being dropped, silent tears of agony streaming down that asshole kids face, silent laughter coming from the woman i wished was my mom.
Everything crystallizes ...lines are sharper as if someone had just solidified etchings from pencil to black marker on a canvas and added colour to it all and i just noticed it for the first time.
everything is panoramic and elongated and enlarged ...a characature of itself...an unfunny parody that frightens the shit out of me ...terrible feeings turn into some sort of morphed clarity that only i can decypher yet am unable.
a feeling of separateness engulfs me, i don't fit in, never did, never will, why am i pretending to then? i am an alien in my own skin, i can't feel, can't hear, can't smell, can't see properly as if looking through a peephole the wrong way around. in fact, it feels like I am the peephole, a lucid peephole just witnessing it all with a surreal quality that maybe i don't even exist and neither do you.
I am staring at the worlds largest Clownsuit that spans this entire universe and everyone in it yet they don't know, they are blind to it and only i can see the circus they are blindly participating in and i can't handle it anymore...i fucking hate the truth that i see...i hate that everyone else is impervious to it.
I am aware of how the lights suddenly were too fucking bright and my stomach lurched in protest! i don't know what's going on, i don't know what's being said, i am the deer trapped in the headlights yet there's nothing that actually is going to run me over and kill me to help save me from this fucking burdening pain!
then just as quickly, everything narrows and collapses onto itself, into a darkened pinpoint of itself, it's as if the entire world has collapsed onto me and is squeezing me from the outside, suffocating me, threatening to burst every capillary in my body ....my eyes bulge, i am sure they will explode and i will be forced to eat them out of my shrimp linguini.
my stomach lurches ...i need to take flight, but i am trapped again! stuck where i don't want to be...
maybe i just need to take a shit and it will be ok...i rush to the bathroom hoping that's the case, i splash cold water on my face, hurry up and feel better i think... hurry up! hurry up! hurry up! BE NORMAL!
butterflys the size of dinosaurs stomp around in my stomach and eating is the last thing i want right now...i don't want to leave the bathroom, it's quieter here and my senses aren't being assulted...
i want to crumble into a little tiny ball in the corner of the polluted bathroom floor rocking back and forth to the mantra
' i will be ok, it's alright, there's nothing to fear, shhhh shhh shhhh shhhh shhhh shhhh shhhh shhhh shhhh shhhh you're normal,'
but there's no one to stroke my head and tell me these things, no one can help me, nothing can soothe me, i wanna crawl back into the womb and close my eyes and sleep for ever!
i can't even tell anyone about this craziness cause i see images of me locked up in a mental institution with a straight jacket on and that is the worst thing that could happen even worse than jail i think....
i look into the mirror and stare deeply into my pupils and try to see behind the mask of my skin...try to see the thoughts that terrorize me, try to understand this fucking boogey man that haunts me, that is a part of me, that is very likely me...my very essence...
i am my own boogeyman and i terrorize myself and don't know how to stop or how or why i do it...oh boogeyman, come back another time, when i am more capable of handling it...i see nothing but the pupils...no answers do i find, no comfort do i see, just a scared 16 year old girl afraid of losing her mind!
suck it up suck it up!!!!
I am 31 now and nothing has changed!
as i write these very words right now, a friend texts me and asks if i wanna come over for dinner tonight at her new house... as soon as i read this text, i feel dread...how do i get out of this? How do i say no and lie about why i can't go so that she won't hate me and abandon our friend ship?
i always say no and i habitually avoid her and come up with excuses and yet she still tries....she's patient i will give her that...but eventually they all crumble, they all leave me, i fuck up every single friendship/relationship i have ever had because of the distance i need to feel safe.
if someone shuts me down once or twice i never even bother with them again yet here are all these people that i always shut down; they are still trying to maintain a friendship, still hoping i will come out and play...i am so not worthy of these people and their love for me.
i can already feel how trapped i would feel if i left this house and actually went over there...how i would have to smile in all the appropriate places and join in on conversations i don't give a shit about, how i would have to laugh at jokes or anecdotes that are useless and as pointless as life itself.
how i would have to deal with the mutant butterflys in my belly and will them to not come flying out of my mouth to eat the faces of all the guests...
i will just lie and say i was busy...she will know it's a lie as i have nothing to do and no where to be (i am retired for the year, see?).
i already know i will text her in 3 hours from now saying oh so sorry i wasn't around, i left my phone, i was sleeping, my phone is broke...or any other number of excuses i haven't given her yet...the thing with being this antisocial and still wanting to keep the friendships, is i have to remember what excuses i have given to whom...it's exhausting remembering all of my lies!
i love this woman, she's amazing...there's no reason to feel like this yet i can't escape the dread that follows whenever i have to go or do anything!
i am sure someone out there will try to tell me what my problem is or that there's a drug that can help me but i don't want it.
sure i fucking hate feeling like this but maybe this is the truth..this mundane, boring, panicky shit that i feel every single moment of every single day...maybe this is life???
maybe everyone wants so badly to believe that life is this wonderful blessing that they hypnotize themselves into believing it but not me...no fucking way i have been down that road before.
I joined a yoga cult (although i didn't know it at the time) for 6 months and that shit has a way of knocking reality into you when you see all the clones acting and behaving in accordance with what the guru tells them...what the fuck! and playing it off as if they were all being 'individuals' and 'authentic' ...but authentic to whom??? to you oh GURU? it's like he's the happy Hitler...the enlightened Hitler and everyone wants to follow someone who claims to have the secret, someone who will sell you his secret for the bargain price of your soul and your undying faith and worship!@!!!!
Happiness isn't for sale, yet everyone tries to sell it to you...and everyone is eager to buy cause we are brainwashed into believing that money can buy everything and fix everything and money = happiness right??? BULLSHIT!
i would rather be in this pain that i feel than be some fucking programmed asshole that thinks that everything is a miracle (cause that's what he's told to believe) and smiles like a fucking clown at everything and everyone cause they want everyone else to believe they are good people, kind people....happy people!
happiness is an illusion! happiness is bullshit and i wish the media would stop trying to force feed me it's bullshit that I am supposed to be happy and stop trying to make me feel bad for being such an anti social miserable bitch!
Sigh!!!!
Believe it or not, this is what I think about on a 'good day' if you read my 'bad day' stream of consciousness you will probably kill yourself...be warned!
so, I created this page to vent and scribble about anything...there's no theme, there's no reason, it's not to make me or you laugh or cry i am not trying to do anything with it...it just is what it is.
So that's my intention for this page...stream of consciousness writing. hopefully no one reads it, i am not going to network it or advertise it just write on it and if you stumble upon it...God help you... cause spelling will be off, punctuation will be shit..it will probably be just one long run on sentence about absolutely fucking nothing... my brain thinks in one long run on sentence so why not write in that manner too?
All right so what the fuck am I doing with my god damn life? I am sitting in a bungalow in Thailand lamenting about the fact that I hate living cause what's the point of anything anyways?
Truly, I have what most would think a great life; I have barely worked in the last few years, money comes to me pretty easily, I have decided to take a year and a half off to live here in Thailand and follow my dreams of writing a novel, i don't have any kids, i have never been married, i have no debt to worry about, i don't even have family that cares about me to keep in contact with me or try to fuck with my life...i don't have any baggage, I am free to be myself, to find my truth and speak it...I don't have to do anything if that's what i choose to do...i have no responsibilities, no job to answer to, NO ONE , NOTHING...
to me this is the ideal life, the perfect life...I 'should' be happy, I should be grateful but I am not! I fucking hate living, I fucking hate life and even going to the bathroom is a chore for me....I think no matter how great life is ...it still fucking sucks dirty ass!
I am good at everything but choose to do nothing cause i am a lazy, inconsistent biatch who gives up easily cause i am always reminded about the fact that i am gonna die and so are you and everything ends and nothing matters so why even bother? why even try?
That's the story of my life...i have felt like that since i was a little girl...and it is debilitating for sure! i remember feeling this as young as 5 years old!
I have tried everything to feel 'better', drugs, sex, booze, binge eating, binge fucking, being in love, supporting a cause, becoming a vegetarian, smoking, quitting smoking, natural remedies, unnatural remedies (like urine therapy what the fuck was i thinking), yoga, meditation, being kind, being a bitch, emaciating the ego, inflating the ego...i have tried to buy happiness and serenity, bargain with it, coherce it...nothing fucking works...it's as if my default programming is set to; 'i hate everything and nothing matters'...so even if i try and am excited, eventually the default programming comes along and kicks my fucking ass back into this bullshit way of thinking.
Sometimes, actually most times, I think that what I feel is real and everyone else is putting on a show to pretend that life is peachy keen and i fucking hate them.
I see through their facade and i wonder how they can live with themselves in their little bubble of pretentiousness and then i wonder how in the fuck i am still a part of this goddamn world and why do i continue to play this stupid fucking game! it's no wonder i have turned into an agoraphobic shut in...i can't stand to even talk to real people.
The other day i was getting my hair cut by a friend and that should be a normal thing to do ...there is no reason to feel anxiety and yet all of a sudden my friend was talking about something and i realized, i didn't give a shit about what she was saying and i wished for her to stop and it hit me square in the jaw...why am i pretending to care? how long before she is finished with the fucking haircut already? shut up! shut up! shut up! I screamed in my head until i couldn't even hear her anymore.
I started to sweat, my throat went dry, everything felt like it became two sizes too big and i became three sizes too small, my heart was racing, i couldn't think, fuck how much longer, i am trapped! only half my hair is done, can't i just run away, tell her a lie, say i am sick, i don't want to be here anymore, i will feel better once i get home.
I have to listen to her go on and on and what if it never ends? i can't escape, oh fuck help me! i stopped her mid sentence cause i felt like all my fucking cells were having some sort of aneurism all at the same time...as i politely asked for a glass of water but what actually was screaming through my head was ...what is wrong with me? Why do I always feel like this around people?
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE and go home now....it's like my brain is the House from the Amityville Horror movie...shes a really nice girl and i do enjoy her company...yet i get like this around every single person i know or talk to for any length of time.
It's a hyperawareness that sets me to spin out of control for reasons i am not sure of. And even if i did know, i don't think that would help.
i can't be in a relationship because of this shit that runs around in my head..i can't maintain or sustain friendships that are really wonderful because of this crazy shit that i can't stand to hear in my head.
i have always had these issues but they became amplified when i was 16 and i took some bad acid and for almost a year i wasn't the same...actually, come to think of it, maybe i never have been the same....at 16 years old, i could spend weeks in bed without ever wanting to leave it...in fact i did spend two weeks in bed and almost every weekend pretending to be seriously sick just so i wouldn't have to leave the house...i had flash backs for well over a year and couldn't stand certain lighting or enclosed spaces...i couldn't even go out to dinner or a movie with anyone cause being in a public place made me feel trapped and very much like a fucking rabbit needing to flee at the first sign of danger and for some reason, everything was perceived as dangerous to me...even 'fun' things.
i remember one incident in particular; i was with a friend at red lobster everything was going fine we were laughing and joking and there were no weird lulls in the conversation...i loved this woman she was like how i wished my mother really was; caring, loving, compassionate, smart, beautiful, and most importantly, she loved me.....
so in the middle of all this fun we are having, all of a sudden it's like a static happens and i can't hear her anymore... all i hear is every single noise around me all at once, yet i can't make anything out...everything is fragmented like listening to stravinsky's music without knowing the theory behind it...it's annoying and doesn't make any sense.
i hear the sound of the conversation at the table next to us, it's intensified like someone turned the volume of the room up to beyond the max capacity...complete distortion!
everyone is talking about useless shit all at the same time like bees buzzing, a drone that is driving me crazy...the noise pollution is unbearable!
i can hear the fucking annoying goddamn baby crying in the back ground, the lobsters scratching at the glass wishing to be free, the waiters complaining about the shitty tippers, the woman in the bathroom taking a shit, the man in the bathroom doing lines, the man in the stall next to him stroking his dick, the four fat bitches AT the other end of the restaurant gossiping about celebrities they have never met nor will ever meet, i can hear the cooks chopping and singing, the rat traps trapping, the mice scurrying, the cockroaches mating, the crickets outside of the restaurant happily chirping away, the cars passing on the street, i even hear the hum of the electricity that lights the entire place! I am aware of all of it all at the same time!
And then, just as i think my ear drums will explode from the tremendousness of it all.
SILENCE.
Silent mouths moving, silent plates being dropped, silent tears of agony streaming down that asshole kids face, silent laughter coming from the woman i wished was my mom.
Everything crystallizes ...lines are sharper as if someone had just solidified etchings from pencil to black marker on a canvas and added colour to it all and i just noticed it for the first time.
everything is panoramic and elongated and enlarged ...a characature of itself...an unfunny parody that frightens the shit out of me ...terrible feeings turn into some sort of morphed clarity that only i can decypher yet am unable.
a feeling of separateness engulfs me, i don't fit in, never did, never will, why am i pretending to then? i am an alien in my own skin, i can't feel, can't hear, can't smell, can't see properly as if looking through a peephole the wrong way around. in fact, it feels like I am the peephole, a lucid peephole just witnessing it all with a surreal quality that maybe i don't even exist and neither do you.
I am staring at the worlds largest Clownsuit that spans this entire universe and everyone in it yet they don't know, they are blind to it and only i can see the circus they are blindly participating in and i can't handle it anymore...i fucking hate the truth that i see...i hate that everyone else is impervious to it.
I am aware of how the lights suddenly were too fucking bright and my stomach lurched in protest! i don't know what's going on, i don't know what's being said, i am the deer trapped in the headlights yet there's nothing that actually is going to run me over and kill me to help save me from this fucking burdening pain!
then just as quickly, everything narrows and collapses onto itself, into a darkened pinpoint of itself, it's as if the entire world has collapsed onto me and is squeezing me from the outside, suffocating me, threatening to burst every capillary in my body ....my eyes bulge, i am sure they will explode and i will be forced to eat them out of my shrimp linguini.
my stomach lurches ...i need to take flight, but i am trapped again! stuck where i don't want to be...
maybe i just need to take a shit and it will be ok...i rush to the bathroom hoping that's the case, i splash cold water on my face, hurry up and feel better i think... hurry up! hurry up! hurry up! BE NORMAL!
butterflys the size of dinosaurs stomp around in my stomach and eating is the last thing i want right now...i don't want to leave the bathroom, it's quieter here and my senses aren't being assulted...
i want to crumble into a little tiny ball in the corner of the polluted bathroom floor rocking back and forth to the mantra
' i will be ok, it's alright, there's nothing to fear, shhhh shhh shhhh shhhh shhhh shhhh shhhh shhhh shhhh shhhh you're normal,'
but there's no one to stroke my head and tell me these things, no one can help me, nothing can soothe me, i wanna crawl back into the womb and close my eyes and sleep for ever!
i can't even tell anyone about this craziness cause i see images of me locked up in a mental institution with a straight jacket on and that is the worst thing that could happen even worse than jail i think....
i look into the mirror and stare deeply into my pupils and try to see behind the mask of my skin...try to see the thoughts that terrorize me, try to understand this fucking boogey man that haunts me, that is a part of me, that is very likely me...my very essence...
i am my own boogeyman and i terrorize myself and don't know how to stop or how or why i do it...oh boogeyman, come back another time, when i am more capable of handling it...i see nothing but the pupils...no answers do i find, no comfort do i see, just a scared 16 year old girl afraid of losing her mind!
suck it up suck it up!!!!
I am 31 now and nothing has changed!
as i write these very words right now, a friend texts me and asks if i wanna come over for dinner tonight at her new house... as soon as i read this text, i feel dread...how do i get out of this? How do i say no and lie about why i can't go so that she won't hate me and abandon our friend ship?
i always say no and i habitually avoid her and come up with excuses and yet she still tries....she's patient i will give her that...but eventually they all crumble, they all leave me, i fuck up every single friendship/relationship i have ever had because of the distance i need to feel safe.
if someone shuts me down once or twice i never even bother with them again yet here are all these people that i always shut down; they are still trying to maintain a friendship, still hoping i will come out and play...i am so not worthy of these people and their love for me.
i can already feel how trapped i would feel if i left this house and actually went over there...how i would have to smile in all the appropriate places and join in on conversations i don't give a shit about, how i would have to laugh at jokes or anecdotes that are useless and as pointless as life itself.
how i would have to deal with the mutant butterflys in my belly and will them to not come flying out of my mouth to eat the faces of all the guests...
i will just lie and say i was busy...she will know it's a lie as i have nothing to do and no where to be (i am retired for the year, see?).
i already know i will text her in 3 hours from now saying oh so sorry i wasn't around, i left my phone, i was sleeping, my phone is broke...or any other number of excuses i haven't given her yet...the thing with being this antisocial and still wanting to keep the friendships, is i have to remember what excuses i have given to whom...it's exhausting remembering all of my lies!
i love this woman, she's amazing...there's no reason to feel like this yet i can't escape the dread that follows whenever i have to go or do anything!
i am sure someone out there will try to tell me what my problem is or that there's a drug that can help me but i don't want it.
sure i fucking hate feeling like this but maybe this is the truth..this mundane, boring, panicky shit that i feel every single moment of every single day...maybe this is life???
maybe everyone wants so badly to believe that life is this wonderful blessing that they hypnotize themselves into believing it but not me...no fucking way i have been down that road before.
I joined a yoga cult (although i didn't know it at the time) for 6 months and that shit has a way of knocking reality into you when you see all the clones acting and behaving in accordance with what the guru tells them...what the fuck! and playing it off as if they were all being 'individuals' and 'authentic' ...but authentic to whom??? to you oh GURU? it's like he's the happy Hitler...the enlightened Hitler and everyone wants to follow someone who claims to have the secret, someone who will sell you his secret for the bargain price of your soul and your undying faith and worship!@!!!!
Happiness isn't for sale, yet everyone tries to sell it to you...and everyone is eager to buy cause we are brainwashed into believing that money can buy everything and fix everything and money = happiness right??? BULLSHIT!
i would rather be in this pain that i feel than be some fucking programmed asshole that thinks that everything is a miracle (cause that's what he's told to believe) and smiles like a fucking clown at everything and everyone cause they want everyone else to believe they are good people, kind people....happy people!
happiness is an illusion! happiness is bullshit and i wish the media would stop trying to force feed me it's bullshit that I am supposed to be happy and stop trying to make me feel bad for being such an anti social miserable bitch!
Sigh!!!!
Believe it or not, this is what I think about on a 'good day' if you read my 'bad day' stream of consciousness you will probably kill yourself...be warned!
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