mothers day blues

Blhuck! That's the definition of my evening tonight. I feel totally uninspired so of course, I feel the need to put this lack of inspiration into words and immortalize the vomit that is coming out from every cell right now...seriously, it would put Linda Blare to shame!

It's so nasty (this feeling) that I don't even want to write about it, but maybe this is like inducing the grossness out of me so i will feel all fresh and clean in the morning...maybe some massengil is in order for my corrupted spirits...that oh not so fresh kind of feeling.

I am racking my brain to figure out what went wrong, how did this happen? I was feeling good yesterday after a great night out with a friend and no anxiety set backs which was relieving...i had some pretty good pizza (which is the best you can get in Thailand), i felt joy joy feelings when i got home and they lingered long after I went to sleep. So what then snagged me?

My jaw has been tight with tension all day it's like i am trying to crush my back molars into a million pieces by the sheer force of my clenching!

This fucking post sucks cause I can't think somehow. it's like i am studdering at the keyboard trying to define the indefinable yet i feel compelled to keep trying cause at least typing doesn't make me wanna die.
it's always these thoughts about the future and the (as my friend puts it) 'nihilistic tendencies' start to kick in.
The thought process most of the day, man, my teeth are sensitive i should get some toothpaste with floride cause i stopped using floride a while back cause i had determined from google that my Pineal gland must be screwed up and 'calcified' from all the floride i put into my body and that must be whats causing all the depression...but when i switched, i didn't feel any better, actually, i feel worse, and now i have sensitive teeth to boot...so time to go back to what i know! pfftt is everything a lie?

then the thoughts about me getting old lady sagging bingo wings and grey hairs kicked in and i felt dread...like holy fuck i can't believe i am not going to be young forever like i thought i would be as a kid...i truly believed that if i just ate right and lived 'right' that i could beat this aging thing...i assumed it must of been a fundamental flaw on everyone elses fault through poor lifestyle choices and i would show them cause i was invincible but i can now admit that i am not. but now i see things that i don't like in myself....not that i ever liked anything about myself anyways. but looking in the mirror this afternoon definately had an impact on how emo got through the door again.
operation fuck trish up the ass with no lube and leave her for dead, emotionally speaking of course.
so, then i project the image i see now and i imagine the old lady i will be like next week and i am all noooooo make it stop cause i don't wanna be a blue haired ...i was hot and men paid me money to take my clothes off for them...that was only a few short years ago and now look at me...ewww they would pay me to keep my clothes on...stripping is sexy in your 20's i guess....30's  so so and 40's no no...i always said i would get out of it before i was 30 and i did, clean and sober...that's a remarkable feat in and of itself but i never seem to be able to give myself credit when it comes to the amazing things i have over come in my life.

Like a year long cocaine addiction, a really brutal perk addiction that had me in agony for a week while i shivered and shook from the withdrawls....a really fucking horrible gambling addiction that left me almost destitute and in debt to biker gangs....with the juice at $200 a week it was nearly impossible to get that debt down.
i have recovered from a tortured past and a mother who cares only of herself....wait a minute, hold the phone...this is what's bugging me!
this nagging feeling...
wow, my heart is so heavy right now ...maybe cause it's mothers day and that's all i hear about all these love letters to moms that i read on the blogs of others is depressing cause i want to be able to say that to my mom...i want to say thanks mom for being there for me or for enriching my life in some way or for caring and sacrificing.

and all this shit comes up all the time about it...like all day i have  been thinking oh yeah it's been like 2 years since i last spoke to her and then all i feel is this little girl who desperately wants mommy to love her and pay some attention to her but mommy can't cause she's off whoring around for an entire month.

i think i have gotten over it...i think i have gotten over the abuse and being taken away from her at 5 cause she saw snakes coming out of my head and wanted to kill me...i think i have gotten over the fact that after nearly a year a part she was finally given permission to take me on a two week vacation on my 6th birthday so we could spend quality time together but instead she left me in the care of a complete stranger who repeatedly molested me while she was out with her boyfriend cause it's totally appropriate to leave a little girl all alone with a strange single 40 something year old man....
i think i have gotten over the fact that because she said she would kill anyone who hurt me, i didn't want her to go to jail and so i didn't tell anyone what happened cause i didn't want to see less of her than i already was
i think i have gotten over the fact that because of this, the guy got off scott free cause i waited and there was no evidence to support my claim even after embarrassing examinations that made me freak the fuck out and then the testimonies i had to give in court in front of the guy who did it and a whole room full of strangers...
  i think i have gotten over it that she told me i should of been an abortion and l am ugly, i think i have gotten over it that she made me feel worthless and useless and limp ...totally dependent upon her showing up out of the blue...waiting for weeks and then oh wow, mommy's here drop everything and love her cause she  has arrived...

i think i have gotten over it...all the times she kicked me when i was down so she could feel all mighty and powerful and better than me...all the times she gave me shitty advice on purpose so that she could be the winner...
i think i have gotten over praying every night in the dark for my mom to love me like i saw on tv...to feel wanted and needed not just for her own selfish gain....
i think i am over it that she tossed me and my other brother to the curb while she went and made a family of her own 10 years later....i think i am over it that she threw away all my stuff when i was 14 and lived with her briefly for 6 months before running away cause i couldn't take it anymore...leaving me with nothing but a small napsack of clothes....i think i am over it that she thinks i am the sole root of her problem....

i think i am over the fact that i just want my mommy...the idealized version of what she shows me to get her way...to manipulate me...to rope me in so that she just cut me deeper again.

i think i am over it that she had me at 17 and didn't know what to do with me and treated me like i was her animal... i think i am over all of that....cause i am a strong independent woman now who can just suck it up right? but then there's days like today when i know i am not over it cause in order for mommy to love me, i can never talk about the past and i must pretend that all is well and nothing bad ever happened...to say anything would put me back in mommy hates me land and the agony of that is just too much...

so now i just don't talk to mommy anymore and it's fucking sad...cause she is still a 16 year old girl trapped in a 48 year olds body and will never grow up i knew it when i reunited again with her a few years back after many years apart ...i was shocked to see that i was wiser and more mature than her and i was floored how can this be?

...and yet on this day on mothers day when all the sentimentality comes out to play, i try not to feel the big gaping void of where i exiled my mother from a hole so deep and black you could see it from outer space ...i try to numb myself but all i feel is how sad she must feel that none of her kids call her or try to contact her especially on mothers day....and it pisses me off cause fuck her! why the fuck should i feel guilty and sad that no one loves you on mothers day cause when did you ever love me????

 when did you ever sacrifice when it wasn't for you own selfishness? when did you ever really love me or take care of me? i am sorry for ruining you childhood but i didn't ask to be born...and yet here i am locking myself away to make sure i don't get hurt by you again and all i can do is feel the compulsion to call you so you don't feel lonely, so you don't feel unloved???? FUCK! i want to be strong and maybe even gloat that ha ha you finally got what you deserved 4 kids and not one phone call..how does it feel bitch, how does it feel to have everyone hate you and not love you and not care about you...and although i think these thoughts, that's not what i really feel i guess i am just not good at being vindictive like you are

for once can't it be about me and not you? for once can't i just let go and feel satisfied with my decision to divorce you from my life? sometimes i panic and think oh fuck but what if she dies and then i have no mommy and i think of how i would feel at your funeral and i like to think i wouldn't even go and i would feel nonchalent about it all like ah well, everyone dies anyways so whats the big deal...but then i know the truth deep down i would suffer and long for things to work itself out for us to work out our differences for you to say just once that you are proud of me and really mean it with out being jealous of me....for you to be a fucking mom to me for once in your life instead of some selfish little teenage girl....

how can i wish you a happy mothers day when i don't even feel like you deserve the title mother? yes, you spit me out of your womb ...but only as a leverage to get back at your own mom...what the fuck...and it stayed like that forever!
and now i write with tears streaming down my face and a hiccup in my heart  and a huge baseball in my throat and i feel better cause i finally admitted that this is what brought me down...i didn't want to think about you!  i tried to push you out of my mind, i didn't want to care or feel or hurt anymore over you and your selfish ways and now i am afraid to publish this on the off chance that you will see it and somehow revoke more of your love away from me as if that's possible...
and yet, that's my biggest fear in life...don't piss you off, don't say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing...don't disagree with you cause then you won't love me anymore...it's no wonder i can't have a stable relationship i only know conditional love and whenever a man has showed me unconditional love, (which has only been once by my count) i think it's a scam, a gimmick and there must be some ulterior motive and then i squish  the relationship like a mosquito but slowly so he feels the pain cause that's what i learned love is! and yet, i know that's not what it is...love is unconditional...it's not 'i will love you but only if you act this way and look this way and make me happy by doing this and that....'
ah  fuck it...i wish i didn't care what you think but for some reason in the back of my brain, when i allow myself to think about you...i know that i do care .... so know that even though you are a fuck up, i forgive you of our past together but forgiveness doesn't mean getting over it ...nope, that takes time....so even though i won't say this to your face, i will say it here in spirit, cause i know none of the others will...happy mothers day there's still a part of me that loves you...