Wednesday, May 5, 2010

What's the point?

I needed a blog to get away from my blog. You know, the other blog is fine, it's funny and all and I like to be funny but that's not the norm for me.

so, I created this page to vent and scribble about anything...there's no theme, there's no reason, it's not to make me or you laugh or cry i am not trying to do anything with just is what it is.

So that's my intention for this of consciousness writing. hopefully no one reads it, i am not going to network it or advertise it just write on it and if you stumble upon it...God help you... cause spelling will be off, punctuation will be will probably be just one long run on sentence about absolutely fucking nothing... my brain thinks in one long run on sentence so why not write in that manner too?

All right so what the fuck am I doing with my god damn life? I am sitting in a bungalow in Thailand lamenting about the fact that I hate living cause what's the point of anything anyways?

Truly, I have what most would think a great life; I have barely worked in the last few years, money comes to me pretty easily, I have decided to take a year and a half off to live here in Thailand and follow my dreams of writing a novel, i don't have any kids, i have never been married, i have no debt to worry about, i don't even have family that cares about me to keep in contact with me or try to fuck with my life...i don't have any baggage, I am free to be myself, to find my truth and speak it...I don't have to do anything if that's what i choose to do...i have no responsibilities, no job to answer to, NO ONE , NOTHING...

to me this is the ideal life, the perfect life...I 'should' be happy, I should be grateful but I am not! I fucking hate living, I fucking hate life and even going to the bathroom is a chore for me....I think no matter how great life is still fucking sucks dirty ass!

I am good at everything but choose to do nothing cause i am a lazy, inconsistent biatch who gives up easily cause i am always reminded about the fact that i am gonna die and so are you and everything ends and nothing matters so why even bother? why even try?

That's the story of my life...i have felt like that since i was a little girl...and it is debilitating for sure! i remember feeling this as young as 5 years old!
I have tried everything to feel 'better', drugs, sex, booze, binge eating, binge fucking, being in love, supporting a cause, becoming a vegetarian, smoking, quitting smoking, natural remedies, unnatural remedies (like urine therapy what the fuck was i thinking), yoga, meditation, being kind, being a bitch, emaciating the ego, inflating the ego...i have tried to buy happiness and serenity, bargain with it, coherce it...nothing fucking's as if my default programming is set to; 'i hate everything and nothing matters' even if i try and am excited, eventually the default programming comes along and kicks my fucking ass back into this bullshit way of thinking.

Sometimes, actually most times, I think that what I feel is real and everyone else is putting on a show to pretend that life is peachy keen and i fucking hate them.

I see through their facade and i wonder how they can live with themselves in their little bubble of pretentiousness and then i wonder how in the fuck i am still a part of this goddamn world and why do i continue to play this stupid fucking game! it's no wonder i have turned into an agoraphobic shut in...i can't stand to even talk to real people.

The other day i was getting my hair cut by a friend and that should be a normal thing to do ...there is no reason to feel anxiety and yet all of a sudden my friend was talking about something and i realized, i didn't give a shit about what she was saying and i wished for her to stop and it hit me square in the jaw...why am i pretending to care? how long before she is finished with the fucking haircut already? shut up! shut up! shut up! I screamed in my head until i couldn't even hear her anymore.

I started to sweat, my throat went dry, everything felt like it became two sizes too big and i became three sizes too small, my heart was racing, i couldn't think, fuck how much longer, i am trapped! only half my hair is done, can't i just run away, tell her a lie, say i am sick, i don't want to be here anymore, i will feel better once i get home.

I have to listen to her go on and on and what if it never ends? i can't escape, oh fuck help me! i stopped her mid sentence cause i felt like all my fucking cells were having some sort of aneurism all at the same i politely asked for a glass of water but what actually was screaming through my head was ...what is wrong with me? Why do I always feel like this around people?

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE and go home's like my brain is the House from the Amityville Horror movie...shes a really nice girl and i do enjoy her company...yet i get like this around every single person i know or talk to for any length of time.

It's a hyperawareness that sets me to spin out of control for reasons i am not sure of. And even if i did know, i don't think that would help.

i can't be in a relationship because of this shit that runs around in my head..i can't maintain or sustain friendships that are really wonderful because of this crazy shit that i can't stand to hear in my head.

i have always had these issues but they became amplified when i was 16 and i took some bad acid and for almost a year i wasn't the same...actually, come to think of it, maybe i never have been the 16 years old, i could spend weeks in bed without ever wanting to leave fact i did spend two weeks in bed and almost every weekend pretending to be seriously sick just so i wouldn't have to leave the house...i had flash backs for well over a year and couldn't stand certain lighting or enclosed spaces...i couldn't even go out to dinner or a movie with anyone cause being in a public place made me feel trapped and very much like a fucking rabbit needing to flee at the first sign of danger and for some reason, everything was perceived as dangerous to me...even 'fun' things.

i remember one incident in particular; i was with a friend at red lobster everything was going fine we were laughing and joking and there were no weird lulls in the conversation...i loved this woman she was like how i wished my mother really was; caring, loving, compassionate, smart, beautiful, and most importantly, she loved me.....

so in the middle of all this fun we are having, all of a sudden it's like a static happens and i can't hear her anymore... all i hear is every single noise around me all at once, yet i can't make anything out...everything is fragmented like listening to stravinsky's music without knowing the theory behind's annoying and doesn't make any sense.

i hear the sound of the conversation at the table next to us, it's intensified like someone turned the volume of the room up to beyond the max capacity...complete distortion!

everyone is talking about useless shit all at the same time like bees buzzing, a drone that is driving me crazy...the noise pollution is unbearable!

i can hear the fucking annoying goddamn baby crying in the back ground, the lobsters scratching at the glass wishing to be free, the waiters complaining about the shitty tippers, the woman in the bathroom taking a shit, the man in the bathroom doing lines, the man in the stall next to him stroking his dick, the four fat bitches AT the other end of the restaurant gossiping about celebrities they have never met nor will ever meet, i can hear the cooks chopping and singing, the rat traps trapping, the mice scurrying, the cockroaches mating, the crickets outside of the restaurant happily chirping away, the cars passing on the street, i even hear the hum of the electricity that lights the entire place! I am aware of all of it all at the same time!

And then, just as i think my ear drums will explode from the tremendousness of it all.


Silent mouths moving, silent plates being dropped, silent tears of agony streaming down that asshole kids face, silent laughter coming from the woman i wished was my mom.

Everything crystallizes ...lines are sharper as if someone had just solidified etchings from pencil to black marker on a canvas and added colour to it all and i just noticed it for the first time.

everything is panoramic and elongated and enlarged ...a characature of unfunny parody that frightens the shit out of me ...terrible feeings turn into some sort of morphed clarity that only i can decypher yet am unable.

a feeling of separateness engulfs me, i don't fit in, never did, never will, why am i pretending to then? i am an alien in my own skin, i can't feel, can't hear, can't smell, can't see properly as if looking through a peephole the wrong way around. in fact, it feels like I am the peephole, a lucid peephole just witnessing it all with a surreal quality that maybe i don't even exist and neither do you.

I am staring at the worlds largest Clownsuit that spans this entire universe and everyone in it yet they don't know, they are blind to it and only i can see the circus they are blindly participating in and i can't handle it anymore...i fucking hate the truth that i see...i hate that everyone else is impervious to it.

I am aware of how the lights suddenly were too fucking bright and my stomach lurched in protest! i don't know what's going on, i don't know what's being said, i am the deer trapped in the headlights yet there's nothing that actually is going to run me over and kill me to help save me from this fucking burdening pain!

then just as quickly, everything narrows and collapses onto itself, into a darkened pinpoint of itself, it's as if the entire world has collapsed onto me and is squeezing me from the outside, suffocating me, threatening to burst every capillary in my body eyes bulge, i am sure they will explode and i will be forced to eat them out of my shrimp linguini.

my stomach lurches ...i need to take flight, but i am trapped again! stuck where i don't want to be...

maybe i just need to take a shit and it will be ok...i rush to the bathroom hoping that's the case, i splash cold water on my face, hurry up and feel better i think... hurry up! hurry up! hurry up! BE NORMAL!

butterflys the size of dinosaurs stomp around in my stomach and eating is the last thing i want right now...i don't want to leave the bathroom, it's quieter here and my senses aren't being assulted...

i want to crumble into a little tiny ball in the corner of the polluted bathroom floor rocking back and forth to the mantra

' i will be ok, it's alright, there's nothing to fear, shhhh shhh shhhh shhhh shhhh shhhh shhhh shhhh shhhh shhhh you're normal,'

 but there's no one to stroke my head and tell me these things, no one can help me, nothing can soothe me, i wanna crawl back into the womb and close my eyes and sleep for ever!

i can't even tell anyone about this craziness cause i see images of me locked up in a mental institution with a straight jacket on and that is the worst thing that could happen even worse than jail i think....

i look into the mirror and stare deeply into my pupils and try to see behind the mask of my skin...try to see the thoughts that terrorize me, try to understand this fucking boogey man that haunts me, that is a part of me, that is very likely very essence...

i am my own boogeyman and i terrorize myself and don't know how to stop or how or why i do it...oh boogeyman, come back another time, when i am more capable of handling it...i see nothing but the answers do i find, no comfort do i see, just a scared 16 year old girl afraid of losing her mind!

suck it up suck it up!!!!

I am 31 now and nothing has changed!

as i write these very words right now, a friend texts me and asks if i wanna come over for dinner tonight at her new house... as soon as i read this text, i feel do i get out of this? How do i say no and lie about why i can't go so that she won't hate me and abandon our friend ship?

i always say no and i habitually avoid her and come up with excuses and yet she still tries....she's patient i will give her that...but eventually they all crumble, they all leave me, i fuck up every single friendship/relationship i have ever had because of the distance i need to feel safe.

if someone shuts me down once or twice i never even bother with them again yet here are all these people that i always shut down; they are still trying to maintain a friendship, still hoping i will come out and play...i am so not worthy of these people and their love for me.

i can already feel how trapped i would feel if i left this house and actually went over i would have to smile in all the appropriate places and join in on conversations i don't give a shit about, how i would have to laugh at jokes or anecdotes that are useless and as pointless as life itself.

how i would have to deal with the mutant butterflys in my belly and will them to not come flying out of my mouth to eat the faces of all the guests...

i will just lie and say i was busy...she will know it's a lie as i have nothing to do and no where to be (i am retired for the year, see?).

i already know i will text her in 3 hours from now saying oh so sorry i wasn't around, i left my phone, i was sleeping, my phone is broke...or any other number of excuses i haven't given her yet...the thing with being this antisocial and still wanting to keep the friendships, is i have to remember what excuses i have given to's exhausting remembering all of my lies!

i love this woman, she's amazing...there's no reason to feel like this yet i can't escape the dread that follows whenever i have to go or do anything!

i am sure someone out there will try to tell me what my problem is or that there's a drug that can help me but i don't want it.

sure i fucking hate feeling like this but maybe this is the truth..this mundane, boring, panicky shit that i feel every single moment of every single day...maybe this is life???

maybe everyone wants so badly to believe that life is this wonderful blessing that they hypnotize themselves into believing it but not fucking way i have been down that road before.

 I joined a yoga cult (although i didn't know it at the time) for 6 months and that shit has a way of knocking reality into you when you see all the clones acting and behaving in accordance with what the guru tells them...what the fuck! and playing it off as if they were all being 'individuals' and 'authentic' ...but authentic to whom??? to you oh GURU? it's like he's the happy Hitler...the enlightened Hitler and everyone wants to follow someone who claims to have the secret, someone who will sell you his secret for the bargain price of your soul and your undying faith and worship!@!!!!

Happiness isn't for sale, yet everyone tries to sell it to you...and everyone is eager to buy cause we are brainwashed into believing that money can buy everything and fix everything and money = happiness right??? BULLSHIT!

i would rather be in this pain that i feel than be some fucking programmed asshole that thinks that everything is a miracle (cause that's what he's told to believe) and smiles like a fucking clown at everything and everyone cause they want everyone else to believe they are good people, kind people....happy people!

happiness is an illusion! happiness is bullshit and i wish the media would stop trying to force feed me it's bullshit that I am supposed to be happy and stop trying to make me feel bad for being such an anti social miserable bitch!


Believe it or not, this is what I think about on a 'good day' if you read my 'bad day' stream of consciousness you will probably kill warned!


  1. I'm here, and I'd like to follow if that's ok with you.

  2. "everything is panoramic and elongated and enlarged ...a characature of unfunny parody that frightens the shit out of me ...terrible feeings turn into some sort of morphed clarity that only i can decypher yet am unable."

    I have a lot to say about this entire post. But I'm not sure what to say. Sometimes something strikes you with that hint, or even overwhelming wall, of familiarity, and the best response you can fathom is to say nothing at all.

    So I won't say much more, except that you may be interested in reading some stuff I wrote awhile ago... I'm going to post it on my blog soon, once I decide what to post.

    I'll post the link here when it's up, if you're interested.

    (You commented on my blog a few weeks ago-- I never got around to replying-- so I'm making up for it here :D )

  3. this may sound crazy but i enjoyed reading this....and i know you are not writing this for the intent to receive feedback but i can't help but to comment! it sounds like you have a heightened sense of you really do know & accept more truth than most people on the planet do....i know solitude brings enlightenment, there is a reason for everything even when it doesn't make sense at the time. i also read your mother's day blues post, i can relate to that hugely, my heart breaks for the experiences you endured at the tender age of 6, it BREAAAAAKS over and over!! i know personally the death these things cause within us. i mean i think in the past several years i am usually what you described as: "good people, kind people....happy people!" but i certainly have my days when this (your) post is ME to the T and all those "not so fresh feelings" flood back for a visit. there were times in my life when it was way more frequent than now...i have to admit "divorcing" my birth mom helped, (though i relate to how you feel in your mother's day post; the guilt the want to love her) it's as if she was a curse to me and caused the death that had visited me to remain there. then when i had my daughter, she replaced so much more of that death with new life....roll your eyes if you may but a miracle is all i can say to explain that, i never knew it could happen that way but it did. i hope you can make the most of your days, especially in the comfort of your solitude.....should i have emailed this?!

  4. i will follow & not because i "like this shit" but because it is real.

  5. Hello people who are reading this!
    Thank you for your comments...I haven't really responded until now because at first i felt panic that anyone but Jacob and Lizanne were reading it....and then i felt violated (don't ask me why but i did) but after reading a bunch of very personal emails i have rec'd about this post and then reading realfakes and bitsy's responses here, i am feeling ok with showing this side of myself that i always hide from others.
    The emails I received, were so intensely personal and confession like and i thank each of you who poured your heart out to me...i am getting around to getting back to you on's hard to find the words though right now. But thank you for sharing with me, it made me feel that maybe everyone has a big piece of themselves that they hide and share with nobody, not even their priests or the ones they 'tell everything'to. your words inspire me to keep this blog going even though when i write in it, i am scared shitless that everyone will hate me cause these thoughts are so disturbing...thanks for not hating me!

    @Jacob thank you for giving me some strength to carry on with this and for telling me that even my 'ugly truth' makes me still beautiful
    @realfake i would love to read your older stuff please make sure to let me know when it's up, in the meantime, i will check in with your blog when i can....i like that you wrote me to tell me you had nothing to say ;o)

    @bitsy truthfully, when i saw that you had joined this site i was all, ughhh did she not read the warning i posted? i know you read my funny stuff and commented on it and i was dreading reading the comments figuring you would probably say, hey fuck you, you crazy bitch, i will never read your shit again! i was pleasantly surprised to read your comments though!
    i love that your comment is written in one big long run on sentence, this is how i write in my computer diary too and it just makes more sense to me, i mean, who really breathes and pauses when they are thinking really fast? not me! not you! lol
    what you wrote, i have read a couple of times now, to try to fathom that someone else gets me...yes, i do have a heightened sense of awareness and i thought that by putting that to use with meditation and yoga that would make it better but it actually made things worse so i have backed off...i hear that ignorance is bliss and sometimes i wish i could slip into a profound state of ignorance, sometimes i envy the mentally retarded (no joke i really do) because being unaware seems to make like life so much easier for others...but i may be projecting, who knows.
    so, you divorced your mom too huh? it sounds like it was a liberating experience for you (with the exception of mothers day that is)
    a lot of moms i know tell me i should have a child cause it would heal that wound, it would fill the gap and all that stuff and i know this is true, i was with a man for 5 years and practically raised his little girl since she was 6 months i know i would be a good mom and i know they fill you with something cause you see that you are not your mom and there's pride in that somehow....i don't know where i am going with this thought lol it's still tough to talk about knowing there's people reading...i will get over it soon enough.
    i am happy for you that some of the pain has been relieved by having a child! your photgraphs are so beautiful and when i joined your site, i was torn cause pregnant women and stuff bring up all the hurt for me but i did it anyways, cause set my emotions aside, and it's beautiful art!
    i am sorry for breaking your heart over and over again with my story...i know the shit i write can have quite a negative impact on others.
    so, this is turning into a novel, thank you for sharing this very personal experience with me it's beautiful and wonderful that you can be real and appreciate it when some else is being real
    love to you all ! from me!

  6. I just finished reading the posts on this new, very different from your other, blog. I think actually know, its very brave of you to write out and share the scary, messy, and depressing part of your mind. I don't actually know you but I'd like to tell you I feel kind of proud of you for it. Your other blog is hilarious and entertaining (and I love it) yet I think you are realizing that form of writing is your defense mechanism. I know this all too well. Until about six months ago I didn't leave my house. Those panic attacks you describe so adeptly? They mirror mine. I was finally prescribed so much Xanax and Klonopin it would kill a horse. I need it just to deal. I have tried many different paths to try and figure out how to survive in this scary, scary world. I don't want to be melodramatic or sappy, just felt the need to let you know you aren't the only one and if its ok I'd like to stalk you here and maybe I can lend an ear when you need it.